Jimmy Kimmel Tears Up During Monologue About Trump Win

Wednesday night’s guests included “Pod Save America” hosts Jon Favreau, Jon Lovett, Dan Pfeiffer and
Tommy Vietor, along with musical guest Alessia Cara.

Here is the full monologue:

You know, I spent a lot of time over the last 17 hours or so thinking about what I would say tonight. What there even is to say tonight? And… there’s nothing – goodnight, everybody!

Let me tell you, that was the worst Taco Tuesday of my whole life. We had the choice between a prosecutor and a criminal – and we chose the criminal to be President of the United States. More than half of this country voted for the criminal, who’s planning to pardon himself for his crimes!

I guess this election wasn’t rigged. That’s weird, though – right? I mean – he said it would be rigged! He said it was being rigged while people were in line voting! Isn’t it remarkable that this time, the fix wasn’t in. Last time, the Democrats cheated! This time we chose not to, I guess? I don’t know. This Donald Trump – he’s like the Emperor from Star Wars. He’s old, he’s evil, and he keeps coming back with no reasonable explanation whatsoever.

Just when they finally scrubbed the last of the ketchup off those White House walls. I’m still trying to figure out what happened. Be honest, last week did you guys send that monologue to a Republican like I asked you to? Those of you who are hate-watching this show right now wanting to watch me suffer – you will be happy to know that there was no joy in Mudville last night.

I was all over the place – one minute, I’m watching these long lines in every city and I’d think “oh that’s beautiful – democracy in action” – next minute, there’s a reporter chatting with some bro at Arizona State who said he voted for Trump because Kamala didn’t go on Joe Rogan’s podcast. And I’m like “Where did I leave my passport?”

My kids were very upset. Every once in a while, when something bad happens – we let our kids curse for 30 seconds. We tell them they have 30 seconds to say any word they want and all the words they choose are curses. So at breakfast this morning, my wife tells our daughter Jane – who’s upset, she said, “you know you can do it.” And just as she starts the cursing, our seven-year-old Billy comes down the stairs. He’s wearing a black Adidas tracksuit, and high tops and a pair of Ray-Bans – he looks like the fourth member of Run DMC – and he just hears the tail end, he says, “what’s going on?” And my wife says, “well Donald Trump won” and he goes, “fuck!” I have to say, it almost made losing the election worth it.

I got a lot of texts yesterday all day and night – from anxious friends and family – and coworkers – and I have to say a lot of them involved diarrhea. Diarrhea was at an all-time high in America yesterday. Which made me wonder, what is it about me that makes others so comfortable sharing that information? Like I’m Princess Diarrhea or something here!

President Biden watched the action from the White House last night. He was squinting at the TV and trying to change the channel with an old calculator he thinks is a remote, but I was thinking about him. It must have been weird for him to watch that. It was supposed to be him on the ballot. It’s like that movie “Final Destination” where the guy has a premonition and gets off his flight and then watches from the gate as the plane, he was supposed to be on, explodes? It was like that but with diarrhea.

President Biden called Donald Trump today to congratulate him and to invite him to the White House to discuss the transition – and maybe watch a little “Matlock,” starring Kathy Bates. Kamala Harris called Trump today too. She conceded – and then explained what the word “conceded” means. Trump said, “that means you’re stuck up, right? Conceited?”

And she did it because that’s how it’s supposed to be done in America. There’s an election, and then they count the votes, and if the Democrat loses, they call to congratulate the winner.

Harris also gave a concession speech at her alma-mater, Howard University. She said “it’s gonna be OK. The light of America’s promise will always burn bright.” And she’s right. You know, the reason America is the greatest country in the world is that even a simple garbageman and fry cook from McDonalds can one day be President of the United States two different times. I think that’s inspiring.

Poor Tim Walz right now is in his backyard, playing a very solemn game of cornhole by himself.

In Nevada they had a problem with ballots from thousands of young voters whose signatures didn’t match the ballot because they don’t know how to sign their names. Well, they did tell us not to give our kids iPads and we didn’t listen! But at least they tried. I do want to say thank you to everyone who voted – even if you just did it to get a bottle of water from Paul Rudd, thank you for voting. And it’s very important if you’re in line – stay in line! Do not leave the line!

Overall, the voting itself went relatively smoothly, despite a number of bomb threats that were called and emailed into heavily democratic precincts in Georgia, Arizona, and Michigan. Authorities say they seem to have originated in Russia. You can tell the Russians are running out of ideas when they’re trying to disrupt our elections now using the same tricks kids in the 80s used to get out of P.E.

But the rest was not great. Let’s be honest, it was a terrible night last night. It was a terrible night for women, for children, for the hundreds of thousands of hard-working immigrants who make this country go, for health care, for our climate, for science, for journalism, for justice, for free speech. It was a terrible night for poor people, for the middle class, for seniors who rely on social security, for our allies in Ukraine, for NATO, for the truth, and Democracy and decency.

And it was a terrible night for everyone who voted against him. And guess what? It was a bad night for everyone who voted for him too. You just don’t realize it yet.

And most of all, it was an absolute disaster of a night for Melania.

But it was a really good night for Putin. And for polio. And for lovable billionaires like Elon Musk and the bros up in Silicon Valley and all the wriggling brainworms who sold what was left of their souls to bow down to Donald Trump.

But you know what? I’m going to say something that Trump would never say, unless it favored him: The people voted. And this is the choice we made. In January, Donald Trump becomes President, and that’s that. He won. It doesn’t mean we give up. But it also doesn’t mean we don’t storm the Capitol because we don’t like the result.

I know a lot of people don’t wanna hear anything positive. I’ve been trying to come up with something positive. The best thing I can come up with is, we’ve been through this once before. And yes, this time it is probably gonna be worse. Maybe a lot worse. But I also think that maybe we will look back and realize that in the long run, this is what we needed to wake us up Maybe the people who care so much about him need to find out how little he cares about them.

Now, all the promises he makes about stopping wars and imposing tariffs and how he’s going to crush inflation and cut taxes, now he has to do this stuff! And I hope he does. I really do. I hope his next unpredictable act is to reach across the aisle and do something positive. The bar’s low. He has an opportunity to win us over.

You remember when he took office the first time, he started working on infrastructure with Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi until the other Republicans said, “hey, hey – we don’t do that! We don’t work together” Maybe this time, he’ll shock us and actually do some productive things. He won’t probably – but he could!

Or maybe the only good part of all this is he can’t run again in 2028. I don’t know. Maybe next time the Republicans will nominate an orangutan for President. Why not? At least make it fun!

My only request to President-elect Trump is that he let me share a prison cell with Taylor Swift. I’m really good at making bracelets and I think we’d get along just fine. We’ll see how funny that is in six months when the great talk show host roundup begins.