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Trump Cabinet Chooses Better Cast for “Dancing With the Stars”

Photo Illustration: Intelligencer; Photos: Getty Images

When Donald Trump filled his first Cabinet in 2016, his process was broad and precise compared to a casting call The apprentice. Previously, the appointment of the new administration had been a careful and secretive exercise, largely ignored by the public. But Trump approached the task like the showman he is. For months he met with a cavalry of obsequious Republican politicians, opportunistic billionaires and all manner of sycophants. He introduced each contestant to the media and even teased them on Twitter: “I’m the only one who knows who the finalists are!”

When it comes to filling his second-term cabinet, Trump is once again drawing on his reality TV roots. But this time he’s not just adding some showbiz flair to the process. In 2016, Trump horrified Democrats and many Republicans by publicly toying with new hires like Laura Ingraham, Sarah Palin, Kanye West and Rudy Giuliani — but he didn’t actually choose his craziest options. Now the president-elect is far less worried about what Reince Priebus or Mitch McConnell guys think; New Majority Leader John Thune is open to letting him bypass the Senate confirmation process. So Trump relies on his gut feeling. And with picks like Kristi Noem, Pete Hegseth and Elon Musk, Trump’s instinct seems to be to assemble a crew better suited to an all-MAGA Dancing with the stars as a serious White House Cabinet.

The Celebrity Apprentice seems to be the more obvious blueprint here. But most of the contestants on this show were reasonably competent and the stakes were pretty low since they were playing for charity. The DWTS The cast tends to be chaotic, random and completely unsuitable for the task at hand. These characteristics, coupled with the high potential for disaster and humiliation, are a much more accurate comparison for the evolving Trump Administration 2.0.

So far, Trump has announced only a handful of nominees for his new Cabinet and other top administration positions. But they are already definitively assigning themselves to archetypes DWTS pour.

  • Kristi Noem as Secretary of Homeland Security: The former South Dakota governor accidentally dropped out of the vice presidential race when she posed as a puppy murderer. She is the scandal-plagued election, in the tradition of DWTS Participants Bristol Palin, Paula Deen and Olivia Jade.
  • Matt Gaetz as Attorney General: The Florida representative was named head of the Justice Department, which recently investigated him for sex trafficking. This is the outlandish choice designed to spark outraged debate about whether they have finally gone too far DWTS Shot of ex-con Anna Delvey (but crazier).
  • Stephen Miller as Deputy Chief of Staff for Policy: The adviser who helped shape Trump’s family separation policy and travel ban from predominantly Muslim countries is the widely reviled national villain. Think DWTSThis is Tonya Harding, but irredeemable.
  • Pete Hegseth as Secretary of Defense: The Fox & Friends weekend Co-host is a stunning choice to lead the Pentagon. But he would fit right in on the dance competition show, which featured many news anchors and television hosts, including Geraldo Rivera, Sam Champion and Tucker Carlson.
  • Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy for the Ministry of Government Efficiency: This fictional “department” is run by two attention-grabbing entrepreneurs and ubiquitous Internet personalities, a nefarious version of, so to speak DWTS Participants Mark Cuban and Kim Kardashian.
  • Elise Stefanik as United Nations Ambassador: The House GOP conference chair is the stable, down-to-earth character that moms should identify with DWTSThese are Josie Maran, Melissa Joan Hart and Ricki Lake.
  • Mike Huckabee as Ambassador to Israel: The former Arkansas governor has been out of office since 2007 and has never held a diplomatic post, so he is not an obvious choice for this important ambassadorship. Huckabee ran failed presidential campaigns in 2008 and 2016, but these days he may be better known as the father of current Arkansas governor and former Trump White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Drop this Nepo-Daddy off with the crowd DWTS Contestants who are related to someone more famous like Jamie Lynn Spears, Rumer Willis and Billy Ray Cyrus.
  • Lee Zeldin for Environmental Protection Agency Director: Does the former New York congressman and gubernatorial candidate have much experience with environmental issues? No! He’s just a former political figure with nothing to do these days DWTS Alums Tom DeLay, Rick Perry and Sean Spicer.

All Trump needs is a former athlete, someone from The Bachelorand the third cast member from an old teen TV drama and that would be an absolute must see incredible DWTS Season 34. It’s easy to imagine a world in which Kristi Noem’s cha-cha to “Who Let the Dogs Out” dominates the national conversation while President Harris quietly goes about the incredibly boring task of actually governing. But of course we don’t live in this reality.

None of this is a dig Dancing with the starsthat is entertaining and harmless. We love watching celebrities get a second chance at success or embarrass themselves on the national stage. Unfortunately, the likelihood that Trump Cabinet 2.0 will end in anything other than a catastrophe is slim. And their stumble won’t even be that fun to watch. Sure, they will be embarrassing for Trump and his cronies, but Americans will feel the consequences, and the humiliation will be shared by everyone who helped him get back into the producer’s chair.

This article has been updated to include Matt Gaetz.

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