What Hear Me Out Cakes taught me about straight people

It’s been a long time since I paid attention to the comings and goings of the heterosexual population. But if there are two things I love, it’s 1) people talking about who they want to fuck, and 2) dessert. That’s why when TikTok showed me a Hear Me Out Cake video, I couldn’t help but keep watching. First of all, the cake looked good. Second, why did these colleagues get together to discuss how much they want to fuck Spirit? The Stallion of the Cimarron?

If your FYP hasn’t become my FYP in the last month, let me catch you up. A “Hear Me Out” cake is a cake that people stick little pictures of the people (or characters) they want to fuck into. It seemed like a fun game among friends and an insightful experiment among couples, but then the trend shifted to offices and even a family with small children. (The family video was quickly removed.)

@danielle.guizio

We have some real bangers #hearmeout #hearmeoutcake #hearmeouttrend #worklife #officelife #corporatelife #officehumor #happyhalloween #cake #rizz

♬ Original sound – Guizio

It quickly became apparent that almost every “listen to me” uttered by straight people was a cartoon character. And not just cartoon characters of people, but above all cartoon characters of animals and living beings. I understand it. Publicly calling a real person “listen to me” is kind of mean, but I’m sure Mike Wazowski will take it just fine. Or maybe people just find it easier to talk about their sexuality when a cartoon allows that level of distance.

@meghanandjack

Meghan had a few… worrying… 😂😅 #meghanandjack

♬ Original sound – 🌻Meg and Jack🌻

Whether the people in these videos knew it or not, the decisions were always revealing. Cartoons are so exaggerated that it was like having a glimpse into the clearest version of the character trait they’re looking for. Dangerous or mom or masculine or snarky or mysterious or, I don’t know, strong hips.

Every now and then someone would make a non-animated selection. But usually I wish they hadn’t: two Johnny Depp characters, BJ Novak, Ghostface from Scream?? With this flavor, you might want to stick with the shark Find Nemo.

@kiwiandco_

Listen to us 🤷‍♀️ #hearmeout #hearmeoutcake #officehumour

♬ BIRDS OF A FEATHER accelerates – Lilly 🎃

What I found interesting How many straight people chose cartoons that featured children? It’s a waste of time to point out heterosexual hypocrisy, but it’s a bit wild to incite fear of predatory queers only to find that heterosexual women still dream about 13-year-old cartoon boys or the tiniest rascal.

@ilovelinen

Just a normal day at the office… We confess our strangest crushes on a cake 🍰👀Who will win the craziest reward 🏆!?#OfficeConfessions #HearMeOutCake #CrushCake

♬ Original sound – I Love Linen

My favorite videos were the couples. Some of them anyway. When people chose characters like their partners, it was cute. When they didn’t, it was funny. If you need a cake to talk to your partner about desires, then bake it!

@jay.and.chan

brb, Jayden teaches all Boyz N Motion Choreo #hearmeout #hearmeoutcake #husbandwife #pair #trend #trending #relationship #marriage #jayandchan #arkansas #married #fyp #fypage #lol #pairhumor

♬ Original sound – Jay & Chan

Talking about desire is a good thing! I’m not sure why this trend caught on in the workplace, but I ultimately came to the conclusion that Hear Me Out Cakes for straight people are a good thing. (Aside from the blonde women who crave kids…) While most queer couples I know – monogamous or not – are very open about attraction and crushes, I understand that it can be taboo for straight people. That’s why it’s good that people have the opportunity to do this in a fictional space! And for those who are single, this exercise may have allowed them to identify what they want from future partners. Even if it’s someone with the energy of a bee, voiced by Jerry Seinfeld.

@hunterfancompany

The “listen to me” cake in the office. Some solid decisions were made. #hearmeout #work #worklife #worklifebalance #job #joblife

♬ Original sound – Hunter Fan Company

In the interests of fairness, I will end this investigation by naming my own Hear Me Outs: Edith Wharton and Janice the Muppet by The Muppets.

Drew Burnett Gregory

Drew is a Brooklyn-based writer, filmmaker and theater maker. She is a senior editor at Autostraddle, focusing on film and television, sex and dating, and politics. Her writing can also be found on Bright Wall/Dark Room, Cosmopolitan UK, Refinery29, Into, them and Knock LA. She was a 2022 Outfest Screenwriting Lab Notable Writer and a 2023 Lambda Literary Screenwriting Fellow. She is currently working on a million film and television projects, mostly about queer trans women. Find them on Twitter and Instagram.

Drew Burnett has written 612 articles for us.